Let Him Talk

When you get to middle school, almost all moms have the same complaints about their sons which is "he answers in one-word sentences", or "he never talks to me". Now that I think about it, this is pretty much the same complaint that most women have about men from about 10 years old through forever because men don't tend to get chattier over time...

What I'd like you to think about today is why is this the case, and, is it inevitable? Sure, it's highly probable, but after working with more boys again in the last year (more than just my sons and years ago in tae kwon do), I think that we do need to really examine why boys seem to stop talking as they end elementary school and begin to transition into middle school and manhood. (Yes, I said manhood, the boy begins to transform in those middle school years much to the chagrin of all of the people out there that want them to stay little and be mommy's companion/partner in crime/forever shopping partner).

Here's a couple of reasons to ponder and while this may be tough to read as a woman/mother, keep an open mind and really think about how boys are acculturated in the USA in the last decade or so.

1) Boys are taught almost exclusively by women until maybe middle school. If you raise a boy you know that having a male teacher in elementary school is a unicorn and that maybe you might get a teacher in middle school, but most likely, your son is waiting until high school to actually have a male teacher. Why is this of consequence? My experience is that more often than not, female teachers have an unconscious bias against boys and tend to focus on controlling their energy, versus channeling their energy.

Boys have a lot of energy, they can be too vocal, too physical, can't sit still, easily excited, and seemingly unfocused. Inadvertently, the teacher is forever trying to get them to sit, keep hands to self, and to be quiet. If boys are told this over and over and over again, guess what happens? They one day do this and result in the no-talking-couch-potato slumped over Xbox that now stinks and doesn't seem to be engaged in 7th grade. This is one of the reasons that male coaches are so critical to boys and why it's imperative that you really scrutinize who is coaching/teaching/instructing your sons. The importance of a coach as a role model to your son cannot be understated--especially for boys that don't have fathers who are strong role models because they are from a lineage without strong fathers and/or strong mothers. It's also incredibly important because the wrong, or harmful, coach or instructor can do lifelong damage to your son by eliminating or highly diminishing his ability to trust himself (believe me, I see it all the time in life coaching where I often have adult men who need to heal their relationship with themselves and can only turn to a woman to get this work done).

So the issue here goes back to trust and control. Boys need to be in a large, controlled space that they trust without too many demands to sit and be quiet. There is so much literature to attest to why boys don't flourish in traditional classrooms and if you're a boy mom, you already understand this--boys learn while they are moving and will open up to you if you can combine physical (or at least not shut down) and mental activity. For all the moms, teachers, and coaches out there who are constantly shutting down boys, try asking them to stand up and then ask what's going on in their world--you might be surprised at how much of a chatterbox he can be.

2) Boys have got to eat and eat often. Now that I am working with kids ages 4-15 on a regular basis, it's amazing to me to see how little we are feeding our boys. As moms are typically the #1 feeder of boys from birth to hand-off to partner (maybe if you're lucky), I often see that moms are feeding boys nowadays based on what they are eating or what they are feeding their daughters. As a mother of two athletes, let me tell you that I quickly had to realize that my entire framework was wrong when it came to nutrition and boys.

Currently the kids that come in to our afterschool enrichment program often haven't eaten in over 7 hours and we are asking them to then focus and concentrate. I can literally attest to watching my son keel over on the window and stop talking altogether due to just lack of food--he is the classic total-shut-down-without-food-for-brain-and-body-fuel kid. My second son is the classic hangry will-bite-your-head-off-need-food-now-waited-too-long kid. Whether you have the flip-the-switch-to-off kid or the monster version, boys must eat so many more times than most moms thought possible (or often think is healthy). Learn how to feed your son according to the needs of his (very) different body and please, I beg you, don't send them to any type of class that requires brain power without having fed them. They might sit through the class, but nothing is being retained, and worse--all of their coping mechanisms come out (whether that might be rocking, nose picking, humming, shaking legs, thrumming fingers, staring, belligerent responses, or hitting/kicking).

3) Don't try to make it pretty and perfect. I have so many stories of moms coming into the classroom, on the sidelines, on the field/court, and redoing their sons (or other moms' sons) efforts. I've seen it before and after games, homecoming, prom, school pictures, class parties, and on and on. Mom the fixer going and trying to alter what their son has done. I've seen moms rewrite entire essays for their sons on their college applications to "improve their chances", I've seen moms tell their sons to turn around and "go get dressed again" because they didn't make "good choices" on clothes. Now, I'm not saying never tweak or alter what your son is doing, but I am saying, choose when and why very carefully.

Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things if he wears shorts? Isn't the way he put together his shoe and hat combo his own expression of himself? Does it really matter if he used brown instead of green to color in the box that matches the answer to the problem?

Or, would it go further if you praised the effort and instituted the work ethic of him doing work by himself instead of focused on the outcome and how it is perceived? This single question is, to me, the critical gateway to becoming a man. Can the boy recognize that it is his work, and is work only, that defines who he is, and therefore, how he will impact the world long-term? I firmly believe that if we can move a boy to understanding that it is his work product, his own portfolio, his own creation for which only he is responsible and accountable, that the boy will make that giant leap to get on the pathway to self-reliance and from self-reliance, to providing naturally for others. Somehow, women can still do for others even if they detest themselves, but I have never witnessed this in a man.