Do Work

My sons were fortunate enough to study Tae Kwon Do under Grandmaster Eung Gill Choi and his son Master John Choi for many years at USTMA.

One of the first organized sports you can put your high-energy son into is Tae Kwon Do. Jackson started at close to 4 years old and Blake began to in Pull-Ups. Now I can already hear many parents condemning this decision-making and saying that it is too young--and it depends on the kid, but this was not the case for my household. Tae Kwon Do is a go-to sport for many parents who are seeking a solution to improve their child's discipline, and hand-eye coordination, overcome their shy nature, and is a top choice for those who don't want to put their kids in a "mainstream" sport. TKD is a great way for boys to learn and excel in any of these aspects including learning obedience and respect, but one of the best parts that I found as a mother is it taught my sons how to do work for work's sake.

The thing about TKD as a sport is that it's a mental/physical/spiritual practice that is really about testing you versus you. Sure there are competition teams and you represent your dojang (school), but at the end of the day, no one else is kicking or breaking boards but you. TKD can truly be a magical way to instill confidence and purpose in boys while introducing the concept of mind/body connection without explicitly calling it the mind/body connection which won't appeal to most parents or sons.

What parents and sons love to hear is that TKD, good manners, healthy habits, and good manners go together. What parents ultimately learn, but often don't anticipate, is that TKD provides a framework for assisting parents in employing structure, discipline, and rewards. You will hear me talk a lot about the need to adopt various frameworks to supplement your own personal/family brand (or frankly, help you establish your own) and I 10000% believe in the need to look outside of what is "natural" and "normal" for you to seek out best practices in the world for raising children. To me, if you want the best for your sons, you are going to look to blend all the best parts of various frameworks that resonate with him and you and then you will incorporate these into your parenting style.

What do I mean by this and what's a practical example? In the world of TKD, it might be in reminding your son that if he doesn't get his homework done, he can't go to class, test for his next belt, or have to go and discuss with his Master. This 3rd party support is hugely helpful in providing back-up support for the rules and habits you are trying to instill in your child. Of course, everyone needs to be on the same page, but if you can start to create these healthy and safe triangles between child-parent-teacher/coach and have multiple triangles in your son's life, it increases the probability that your son will develop healthy internal boundaries because you've provided strong external guardrails for growth.

Now both of my sons were in TKD for about five years and both surpassed their black belt (which is a big deal in the USA, but is the equivalent of graduating from high school in Korea because it's expected and everyone does it), but the long-tail effect of what they learned in the sport is evidenced to this day. Both sons were on the competition team and had harder workouts on Saturday morning than in any other sport they've ever played at any other age. We're talking outside in February weather in Virginia from 8 am to 10 am running and doing push-ups followed by inside work sparring. And yet, all of the boys came tumbling out a sweaty mess, sore, starving, but something I could never quite name until right now and that is satisfied. They came out knowing that they had done something hard and felt good about it.

I was always amazed at how Master John Choi got these kids to come back over and over--why didn't they quit? No crying to stay at home and watch cartoons on a snowy Saturday morning? No complaining? What was the magic? I started paying even closer attention and one day learned that Master John used the phrase, "Do Work!" and did so in a positive tone as if you are being given an incredible opportunity this morning to work and it's up to you to take advantage of this opportunity to the fullest.

This was a brilliant strategy with boys and worked like a charm. First, the boy understood that ultimately, it was a choice and his choice. Master John was not going to run after you and beg you to put forward your best effort. Secondly, the boy understood that he had a range of efforts that he could choose to undertake--from the minimum to some maximum level that he may or may not know exists (and the great thing with boys is that they don't think in terms of there being a ceiling on their effort or potential when they're young, so they just go for it free of self-limiting beliefs). Third, the boys' work input directly matched his output and this connection was established early. If you give it your all, you walk away with the satisfaction, security, and peace of mind that you gave it your all. The boy was free to go on to the rest of his day with confidence and inner stability that he had done something positive for himself. This ultimately (once they were fed) produced a boy who was overall happier, calmer, more focused, and far more giving to others for the rest of the day.

This phrase "Do Work!" is in fact, still used in my household between all of us nearly 20 years later. We inherently understand that we are here to do good work and that if we improve ourselves and bring the best of ourselves to the world, we can do good work for others. It's a practice and I think many of us who have lived through the pandemic know why we've slipped into such a morass of laziness, apathy, and depression--we have not been doing work. We have been getting away with the minimum, cheating the system, exploiting loopholes, and practicing escapism from responsibility and accountability.

2025 is the year that Americans get back to work because the Covid-implemented work-from-home movement is officially ending. I know that so many people are upset with this, but I would also challenge you to get excited about the prospect of taking on a new way of looking at work---viewing it as the opportunity to improve yourself, your community, and our country. I fervently believe that the ones that have always had the "Do Work!" mentality will shine and be recognized and those that have been skirting by all this time will be left by the wayside. The power of work and the benefits of what it can do for boys and men is yet another topic that does not get enough coverage--a healthy work population that includes men who are working with purpose will have positive externalities for our entire society.

(And yet, I have to admit that even as I write this, I am afraid that the Cancel Culture Crowd is about to descend on me because I haven't mentioned the power of women to do good work and women in the workforce, etc. Remember that my stance is always that we need both strong men and strong women, but from my viewpoint right now, I'm focused on how to build and support strong men as only a woman can do. Men build and support men differently and that is critical just as women building and supporting men is critical, but done differently. It's important to me that women understand that their sons need both to thrive and it's important to me that men understand the power of women who become mothers for the part they play in raising strong men. To date, I think, frankly, that we have been too one-sided or the other. We need more discussion on how to optimize the power of both men and women in raising boys.)

For all of us that are back to work today, have a great week and Do Work!